There is no such thing as unexplained..

When we first started our path toward parenthood, we thought it would be easy. I mean, everyone around me seemed to have no problem conceiving and starting their families. After months and months of failed cycles, Joel and I knew something just wasn't right. After years of doctors, tests, and continued failed cycles on treatments, we faced the sad truth that we have unexplained infertility. Really? When everyone around us kept saying well-meaning sentiments such as "Oh, just relax." or "You're just too stressed." or "It's just not God's time," the pain accumulated to overflowing. I wanted to scream, "I have relaxed, I am trying everything I can not to be stressed, and it's OBVIOUSLY not God's time." I was so self-absorbed in my pain that I forgot that there might be a bigger picture and that God does have a PLAN! Along the path towards freedom from the burden of infertility, God got my attention back on Him and showed me that my emotions are not only okay, but He wept with me as we went through the obstacle of infertility. I became content in knowing that He did have a plan. And that plan may not look the way I thought it would. It might entail details that I saw missing in my blueprints. You see, once I gave my life to my Savior, I gave up rights to those blueprints. I am not the one designing them. Yes, I might have my ideas and two cents to say, but God is the amazing Architect of my life. I want Him to be.
So, Joel and I pursued something we never imagined we would have to pursue... adoption. Oh, and if I thought the roller coaster of emotions were going to settle, they had just begun. I clung tight though to the Lord and He began teaching me more about my relationship with Him, my husband and more about myself and who I am as a follower. God morphed the "have to" attitude to a "want to" attitude when looking in the face of adoption.
Exactly one year since the time we decided to pursue adoption, we were blessed by our sweet miracle, Micah Samuel. There is an enormous amount of emotion pouring forth with the details surrounding him coming into our lives. From one young woman's grueling decision to give Micah a life she couldn't provide to our accepting of that plan. God's plan. None of us, Amanda (Micah's birthmother), Joel, and myself never imagined our lives walking down these paths, but I am so thankful we are. We have been given such a wonderful little sister in Amanda. She is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. And, she made a plan for Micah's life. When it could have been easier another way, she chose life for him.
We met her in early March 2010... and she called us Thursday, April 1st to share with us the news that she not only wanted us to adopt her baby boy, but that he was born that same day. God knew, when I was a little girl that someday I would face a young woman whose love for this child would be mirrored in God's love for us. It was Easter weekend and as I watched Amanda weep over Micah on Good Friday... both Joel and I thought of what the disciples thought the day Jesus hung on that cross. Did they really think Good Friday was good? At the time, I would think not. But, now we do. All because of a greater love... That friday was not "good" for any of us in that hospital room, but I believe that in the days, months, and years ahead of all of us, we will see the good in this adoption which has changed us all.
With the plan unfolding in front of us, I believe deep within me that Joel and I do not have unexplained infertility. It is explained in the precious little fingers that clasp onto ours and the adoring eyes and smiles that melt my heart. Micah Samuel came into our lives and we will never be the same. There is no need for an explanation. This plan is so much better than what my blueprints had originally looked like. It is greater and more beautiful and I look forward to the many yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows if it means that God's plan proves even better than my own!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

I started this blog over 3 years ago, and went back and deleted all my posts in light of starting something new. I want to ponder on what "planning" really means... and what it means in the light of traveling the road less traveled and being called to something greater than ourselves and our plans. I used to plan A LOT. Ever since I was a little girl, I had big plans for myself. I didn't really know the clarity of those plans, but they were like blueprints, always morphing and changing based on a new idea or a better fit into my life. One thing remained the same, I knew I wanted to be a mom. However, little did I know that in dreaming up my future, it would look very different from what I imagined. I thought I would marry, teach for a few years, and then start my undying dream of having lots of children. Well, I did marry my amazing husband, Joel, moved to Angola, Indiana where he is the Youth Pastor at our church where I volunteered a lot of my time, and got a job as a 5th grade teacher working at a fantastic school. One year, two years, three, four, five... six years later came our first child. And he came in a way that none of us in our circumstances would say that we would have planned it. But, we know our Lord did! Welcome to taking a few steps back in order to catch you up on where we are now...

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster. To give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11